


I'm So Sorry, T'hy'la

by PusillanimousBitch1138



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Death, F/M, Feelings, Grief, Loss, Original Species, crying vulcans, it's really not good, like just honestly really bad, vulcans don't cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 20:27:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20315533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PusillanimousBitch1138/pseuds/PusillanimousBitch1138
Summary: Imagine knowing Spock since you were children and he loses you when Vulcan is destroyed.





	I'm So Sorry, T'hy'la

**Author's Note:**

> I wanna preface this by stating that this was written like 5 years ago. I'm not gonna go through and make it sound better bc I don't really care. 
> 
> BUT, A brief note: Your character is a half-breed human and Siren (a species I’m totally making up based off of greek-myth Sirens.) Your character’s eye-color changes depending on your emotions. You live on Vulcan because your parents died in a conflict upon your home planet of Venus when you were like 5 years old, and a Vulcan woman came across you in an alleyway and adopted you as her own. You’re the same age as Spock.

Spock’s fists gripped the stuffed panda that you had made him for his twentieth name day and he stared at your photograph on his dresser, tears in his eyes. There was a knock at his door and he quickly shifted, hiding the panda and clearing his face of all emotions before he stood, hands behind his back, and called, “Enter.” The doors slid open to reveal Sarek, looking upon his son with an unusual amount of emotion that Spock recognized as being something akin to sadness and pity. Spock cleared his throat and nodded to his father. “Father, how may I assist you?” he said as coolly as he could, a slight hitch upon ‘assist.’

Sarek stepped closer to his son before taking a deep breath. “I do not pretend to understand your grief at present, however I do wish to take a moment to express to you that, given the present circumstances, it is more than acceptable that you be…emotional.” Spock could notice the new weariness in his father’s face. The man had aged ten years overnight since the attack on Vulcan. He even stood with a slight unsteadiness that, along with the dark rings beneath his eyes, indicated a lack of peaceful sleep. “You are Vulcan,” Sarek continued, “However you are also human. It is my understanding that for humans, not expressing intense emotions could be potentially harmful.” Sarek looked Spock directly in the eyes for the first time since entering the room. “You have lost not only your mother, but your closest friend. This weight is too extreme, even for myself to handle.” He put his hand on Spock’s shoulder in a rare show of affection, even of comfort. “Spock. It is logical and permissible for you to express these emotions.” With that, Sarek turned and left the room, leaving Spock standing in his quarters with tears in his eyes.

Spock sat back down, his fingers seeking out the panda once more, and he laid upon his bed, closing his eyes to remember two of the most important women in his life.

***Many years earlier***

“Spock.” Your ears perked up upon hearing the bully’s voice approaching the young half-breed. You poked your head out of your learning pod and watched, eyes turning from your focused dark brown to a slight blue with apprehension.

Spock stopped in his steps and did not turn to face his abusers. “I presume you’ve prepared new insults for today,” he said softly.

“Affirmative,” called the ugly one.

Spock turned to face them. “This is your 35th attempt to elicit an emotional response from me.”

Your eyes turned bluer by the second, your apprehension slowly turning into fear.

“You’re neither human nor Vulcan and therefore have no place in this universe,” grumbled the one on the right.

“Look, in his eyes, sad,” said the one on the left.

“Perhaps an emotional response requires physical stimulation,” muttered the one on the right, mumbling his words enough that it took you a moment to understand what he had said. By the time you had figured it out, he had put his hands on the younger boy, shoving him backwards. “He’s a traitor, you know, your father. For marrying her, the human whore.”

That was it. Spock let out a yell and threw himself into the older boy, knocking him down into a learning pod. You squealed and scurried out of your own learning pod and ran over, shoving the other two bullies out of the way. You slid down into the learning pod as Spock sat upon his bully’s chest, punching him left and right, and you quickly grabbed Spock’s fist.

Both you and Spock froze as your minds quickly became one in what was Spock’s first ever mind meld. You saw into him and he saw into you; you both shared similar life experiences as you, too, were a Halfling, however unlike Spock you weren’t even half-Vulcan to give you even an ounce of reason to be resident upon this planet. He shook himself out of it first, taking his hand from you, and he looked upon you with horror. You blushed furiously, your eyes flashing between golden guilt and hurt black and crystalline blue fear. “I-I’m so sorry,” you stammered before you scurried out of the pod, shoving past the two bullies once again. You managed to escape the professor coming to investigate the incident and ran to hide, leaving Spock to look after you incredulously and full of the unfamiliarly intense emotions you carried with you at all times until he was pulled away and left alone while the professor contacted the Ambassador.

It took a few weeks before Spock finally approached you in the dining room at mealtime between lessons. You looked up at him from your book, your eyes turning from focused black to a flash of surprised yellow before settling into an uncomfortable greenish-yellow which indicated embarrassment. Upon your mind-melding, Spock had gained an internal understanding of which emotions were represented with which colors in your eyes. He cleared his throat, his ears tipped with green in his own blush, and he nodded to the empty table at which you sat. “M-May I sit?” he asked quietly.

You blinked at him before scurrying to clear your books from the table, shoving them into your pack with an embarrassed urgency. “Of course, please,” you gestured to a seat and watched as he sat himself down. The both of you could feel the intense gazes of the surprised Vulcans surrounding you. It was bad enough that the two of you existed, but now you existed _together?_

“I…I would like to express my gratitude towards you. If you had not stopped me that day, I am unsure of what could have happened.” He was staring down at the table, turning greener by the second. Your eyes took after him, giving away your intense embarrassment. “I would like to take a moment to properly introduce myself.” He turned to you, forcing himself to look into your extraordinarily expressive eyes. “My name is Spock. I am the son of Ambassador Sarek and Amanda Grayson of Earth.”

You swallowed the lump in your throat. “I-I know. My name is Y/N.”

He let a slight smile out before turning back to the table. He noticed that you had left your PADD upon the table and couldn’t help seeing the flashing red warning at the top which indicated that you had failed a homework assignment and were to attempt it again immediately.

“May I?” he asked, gesturing towards the device.

You blinked and nodded, shoving it towards him, eyes turning a strange fleshy color which indicated curiosity. He took it and read over your failed assignment for a moment before looking at you. “Do you frequently experience such difficulty with thermodynamics and statistical mechanics?”

You let out a single harsh chuckle before covering your mouth and looking around at the nearby Vulcans who were glaring at you. Your eyes turned back to the green-yellow from before, only more intense, and you turned back to Spock, clearing your throat. “My apologies. Yes, you could say that I frequently experience difficulty with thermodynamics and statistical mechanics….and calculus, and relativity, and electromagnetism….and just everything, really, that isn’t a language or history.”

He looked at you with something akin to surprise. “If it would please you, I offer my help to you to study these topics.”

Your eyes turned to a magenta-ish color, indicating confusion. “What would you ask of me in recompense?”

He paused for a moment before he leaned closer, lowering his voice to an almost embarrassed whisper. “Perhaps… Could you help me learn how to…suppress my emotions?”

You blinked at him and nodded, a wide smile on your face that crinkled your nose and your eyes. “It’s a deal, Spock.”

The two of you spent years together. You would have thought that he would have gotten sick of your constant mathematic and science based questions, but he simply answered each one in ways he knew you would understand, trying his best to help you learn and comprehend the materials at hand. Eventually, over the years, you began to show an aptitude for interstellar theories and many other space-related topics, becoming a sort of equal on Spock’s part. Your emotion lessons were finished well into the third week of your tutorage, but for some reason Spock simply enjoyed your company. You supposed that it was because he felt akin to you as you both shared similar discriminations.

It was on Spock’s twentieth name day that you finally garnered the courage to express your true feelings to him. You had somehow managed to keep your eyes from reflecting the love and adoration that had been brewing inside you these long years, but finally you could hide it no longer. Amanda had invited you to join them in the small feast she had prepared to celebrate the occasion, knowing you to be Spock’s truest friend. You had accepted wholeheartedly and even brought a present, something you remembered from your childhood and insisted upon each time Spock’s name day rolled around. After all, your half-human heritage was something you shared with him, something that made you the same, it’s what brought you two together.

You sat through the meal in comfortable silence. Sarek used to intimidate the hell out of you until you were 15 years old and he pulled you aside to express his gratitude to you for being such a kind friend to his son and to express that you were always welcome in his household, a statement which he admitted he had been pressed to say by Amanda. You had done your very best to keep yourself as calm as you could for Sarek’s sake, but couldn’t help the smile that accompanied your surprisingly level, “Thank you, sir.”

After the meal, you and Spock sat in his living room, playing a game of chess as a comfortable fire crackled behind you. Sirens, despite being aquatic creatures, had very low tolerance for the cold, even more so than Vulcans, and as such, Amanda went out of her way to make sure you were comfortable whenever you were there. You looked up at him and smiled slightly. “Spock, may I pose a personal inquiry?” you asked softly.

He responded with a soft, “Mm,” as he took one of your rooks with his queen. You weren’t sure why you played anymore, you hadn’t one a single game in four years, but you supposed it was just nice to be in his company.

You swallowed slightly, wondering what emotions your eyes were betraying, and you glanced up at the ceiling. “Tomorrow you go before the Council.”

“Yes.”

“If you are offered a place at the Vulcan Science Academy,” you choked slightly, shaking your head at your own distress, “Do you think you will accept a position there or will you go with Starfleet?” You turned to the game, trying not to let tears well in your eyes. You had no hope of being accepted to the VSA, and Starfleet had denied your application for unspecified reasons. No matter what happened, you knew that you and Spock were to be separated.

He watched you closely for a moment, his usual lack of emotions betraying nothing. “I do not know.”

You nodded slightly before making your move—taking his queen with a bishop which left you open for checkmate. You cursed softly, flicking your king over as soon as you realized your mistake. You looked at him before you blushed and scooted closer to him. “I…I’ve got something for you.” You reached past him to rummage through your pack before you produced the neatly wrapped box, complete with a little green bow. You gave it to him without letting him see your eyes, and you watched him open it.

“It’s just something… to remember me by,” you whispered shakily, tears forming in your eyes. You grit your teeth and your mouth twitched between a smile and a pained grit. “I know it’s stupid, but—” You were cut off by Spock touching your shoulder. He let a rare smile grace his lips, just one big enough for you to pick up on.

You looked up at him, your eyes a dark black which indicated you were experiencing emotional pain. He reached out and wiped a tear from your face that you hadn’t realized had fallen. “I will treasure it always.” Your eyes must have finally betrayed your secret because he withdrew his hand and his eyes widened slightly. “Are these your true feelings for me?” he whispered, regarding your soft pink eyes with uncertainty.

You swallowed hard and looked away, wiping them on the back of your sleeve. “For these past eight years, yes,” you said softly, voice barely audible to your own ears. You knew he could hear you, however.

He said nothing for a moment before you felt strong arms wrap around you and you looked up at him as he drew you closer. You placed your hands on his chest and he leaned down, ghosting his lips across your forehead before he took your chin in his hand and lifted your lips to his own. You gasped softly before throwing your arms around his neck, reciprocating his touch in full. He let his guard down and your minds became one for the second time in your lives and you saw into him. You saw the years of his silent adoration fueling his patience with you, fueling the protective glares he gave to those who would try to pick on you, keeping him awake by your side for the solid week you spent in the infirmary after you had been attacked and left for dead.

He pulled away and put his hand upon your cheek, gazing into your eyes with unwalled emotion. “T’hy’la,” he whispered softly.

You blinked before a strong bout of giggles took you and you kissed him again.

Spock heard an exchanging of coins and a whispered, “I told you so,” from his mother to Sarek in the next room, most likely winning some sort of bet, before she called louder, intending for you both to hear, “We’re leaving for a while, you two.” Spock heard the both of them leave and he looked at you with another smile on his face. You two sat by the fire for the remainder of the night, his arms wrapped around you as you sat on the couch, just talking, the panda you made for him sitting on the table next to the chess set. When the soft light of morning poked through the windows, Amanda walked through the door to see the two of you laying on the couch, asleep, and she smiled sadly to herself, knowing how hurt you would be this day. She leaned over and kissed Spock’s forehead, waking him, and he sat up quickly, ears brimming green, which woke you. You grumbled and rolled over as Spock got up but Amanda silenced him with a touch of her finger to her lips. She gestured towards his bedchambers to prepare to go before the Council. He nodded slightly and set off.

Amanda awoke you as the hour neared for you to say goodbye to Spock, and you went with her to stand outside the Council chambers. Spock allowed his leg to touch yours as you and his family rode to the meeting hall together, and you bit your lip the entire ride there, trying not to cry. Sarek went ahead after you all arrived, giving his son only a nod before leaving the three of you alone. Spock pulled you to the side and talked to you for a few minutes, mainly about trivial things like the results of your last examination, and you knew that he was trying to distract you and himself from what was about to happen.

“Spock.” Spock turned to his mother who held her arms open.

“No,” he said, wanting to stay by your side.

She rolled her eyes and waved her arms slightly. “Spock, let me look at you.”

He looked at you before he walked over to his mother and you turned your back to give them some privacy. Once Amanda had had her time with him, Spock walked back over to you and you heard Amanda’s retreating footsteps. He wrapped his arms around you from behind and laid his head on yours, being considerably taller than you. You could hold your grief in no longer and wrapped your arms around his on your waist and let yourself tremble with silent sobs. He rocked the two of you back and forth for a moment before turning you to him, his own small glimmer of unshed tears in his eyes. You buried your face in his chest and he just held you for a moment. “I will always love you, T’hy’la,” he whispered into your hair.

You nodded and fisted the back of his shirt before pushing yourself away from him. You wiped your eyes and sniffled hard. “And I you, Spock,” you whispered softly. You set about straightening his shirt where you had mussed it up and you put your hand on his face. He reciprocated the movement for a moment, the two of you sharing in each other’s love before Sarek cleared his throat.

“It is time, Spock,” he said coolly.

You swallowed a hard rock in your throat and nodded at Spock, giving him a trembling smile. He brushed a final tear from your eyes before following his father into the Council chambers, eyes set firm in the Vulcan way.

You stood there for a moment, breath gaspy and trembling, before you turned and left the building.

“You have surpassed the expectations of your instructors. Your final record is flawless, with one exception. I see that you have applied to Starfleet, as well.”

Spock looked up at the Council Leader. “It was logical to cultivate multiple options.”

“Logical but unnecessary. You are hereby accepted to the Vulcan Science Academy. It is truly remarkable, Spock, that you have achieved so much, despite your _disadvantages_. All rise.”

“If you would clarify, Minister, to what disadvantages are you referring?” Spock could feel the burn of anger behind his eyes, growing stronger by the second.

“Your human mother and that (Y/N Y/L/N).”

Spock’s anger exploded behind his eyes, but he dug his nails into his palms to keep from showing it. He looked to his father for a moment.

“Council, Ministers, I must decline,” Spock said diplomatically.

“No Vulcan has ever declined admission to this academy.”

“Then as I am half-human, your record remains untarnished.”

“Spock,” warned his father, “You have made a commitment to honor the Vulcan way.”

“Why did you come before this Council? Was it to satisfy your emotional need to rebel?”

“The only emotion I wish to convey is gratitude. Thank you, Ministers, for your consideration.” With that, Spock turned on his heel and walked away.

By the time he had arrived back at his dwelling, you had calmed down and were sharing a pot of tea with Amanda, your eyes a duller shade of violet than your usual contentment, indicating to Spock that you were less than happy but no longer grieving. Amanda rose from her seat when she saw him and smiled. “Well?”

Spock looked at the two women before him, two of the most important women in his life, indeed the first two women Spock could ever say he loved (although two completely different forms of love, to be assured,) and he sat down between the two of you. “I have decided to join Starfleet. The next recruitment vessel is scheduled to leave at 0800 hours tomorrow.”

Amanda felt tears welling in her eyes but she cleared her throat and sat down, pouring Spock a cup of the tea. “Starfleet, my how exciting.”

“Yes,” Spock said, sipping the warm liquid silently.

You leaned across the table and put your hand on Spock’s arm, a weak smile on your face. “I’m happy for you,” you whispered, voice raspy from crying. He put his hand over yours for a moment before turning back to his tea.

The three of you spent Spock’s last night together, mostly chatting to each other, but Spock enjoyed watching the two of you. She retired early that night, once Sarek came home, furious with Spock, and they argued for a few hours before going to bed. Spock had taken the chess set and several blankets outside and started a fire. You joined him, the two of you playing chess into the wee hours of the morning.

As the clock in the hall chimed 0700 hours, you felt the weight in your chest come back. “It’s nearly time,” you whispered.

“Yes,” Spock replied, making his move.

You sat there for a few minutes, forcing down waves of tears over and over again, just breathing until you managed to calm down. Spock didn’t press the issue, allowing you to fight your emotions as best you could. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, you reached across and gripped his hands tightly. “I really am proud of you.” He smiled softly back at you before you withdrew your hands and grinned as you took your knight and knocked his king well off the board. “But I win,” you said gleefully.

Spock blinked at the game for a moment before he felt a chuckle rumble in his chest and he leaned back, just laughing softly. It had been four years to the date since you had beaten him in a game. He stood and you rose with him. He wrapped his arms around you and kissed you gently.

He had left at exactly 0745 hours, an overwhelmingly emotional ordeal that left him exhausted and you basically numb, but he knew you would be fine.

The two of you had visually communicated through video multiple times a week for the next four years until the attack on Vulcan. You had been studying on Vulcan to become an aquatic life specialist to be transferred to Titan, something you had spoken about once or twice before, but you truly seemed to enjoy your work. The day of James Tiberius Kirk’s trial was the day the message came that Vulcan was under attack. Immediately Spock’s thoughts went to you and he sprang into action. You had gone with Amanda and Sarek to the temple as your guardians had abandoned you as soon as the trouble began. Spock had insisted upon transporting near the temple himself and he ran faster than he had ever run before to gather you and his family.

When he saw you, his heart nearly leapt out of his chest with joy, and you ran beside him and his mother outside to be transported up. You had been grinning at him, tears in your vibrant pink eyes before the ground began to crack. Your eyes went wide, a violently bright fearful blue and you and Amanda both reached for Spock but it was too late. You had both fallen. Spock and the rest of the Vulcans transported safely aboard the Enterprise. Spock knew he should find comfort in that fact, but an overwhelmingly small amount of survivors made it aboard.

Spock laid in his bed for an eternity, now out of danger, and allowed himself to weep for his T’hy’la and for his mother, allowing himself to feel his emotions truly for the first time in years. Finally, after hours upon hours of weeping, Spock reached out and touched his index finger to your lips in your photograph. “I’m so sorry, T’hy’la,” he whispered.


End file.
